uncertainty.

stuck in between both worlds, sleeping but yet awake, cautious but yet blur. time after time, choices were made. from here to there, from there to here. wishes were made, promises were broken. every direction leads the light away. standing in front of a signboard that says lost and broken, where should one actually go?

toodles.

i thought

i thought i was your shelter,
i thought i was your truth.
i thought you would remember that i'll be there,
i guess i've expected too much from you.

i thought i was your wings,
i thought i was your saviour.
i guess i was lost in my dreams,
when you said i was the one you favour..

flash backs.

I came across this really, really, REALLY old song I used to hear back in the days. And well, it kind of brought me back to when I was 15 years old, back when I am just starting my journey of self discovery. I remember everything just like it was yesterday... Sitting outside at the hallway, with the lights off and the computer on. Chatting online, using a cheap, big and colourless phone, and sulk myself to depression as everyone was away from home. Depended on my friends for love and care, and gave them everything I had in me to repay them for their deeds. Afraid, fearful, vulnerable, timid, and quiet was I back in the days. Crying myself to sleep, crying myself to everything there is. Alone and have no way of expressing myself because of a terrible trust issue.

ah...i miss the old days. i dont miss who i was, but i miss how things were..

loves.

the song.

as the music played, she continued her dance to freedom. dancing and dancing, releasing every emotion she had in her. she let her mind drift as her body swing back and forth to the music. oh, how graceful she was. wearing white with nothing but just the shine of the moon shining down right at her, she followed the known steps and eventually, creating steps of her own. dancing round and round she went. she was the only one who was there. in her reality, everything is a fraud, but her fantasy is a world filled with life. she danced to the moonlight, with her eyes closed shut. her movement was ever so graceful that even the most graceful ballet dancer could not match her. daning and dancing was the only thing she was doing; even though in her mind, but she could feel everything. the pain, the sorrow, the song.

beautiful mess.

with the song beautiful mess playing, she continued her way on finding out the truth. searching deep in her to let go of that tiny catalyst that started this crazy dilemma. comparing and compromising was the only thing she kept doing, and oh how she wishes she dont have to. walking along the road where no one had been before, she wandered off with her filled so many things, going back and forth, trying to destroy her from deep down and within. oh, what have she done to deserve such confusion. she tried to let things slip from her mind, but thoughts tend to always find their way back in again.

such confusion, such dilemma, such craziness, is slowly growing on her. this is a mess. this is a beautiful mess.

the greatest of stories.

the greatest of story ever told were the stories which has great characters and a great storyline. the stories may not end like what we all hoped for, but it is great that way. just like songs, stories too have its own meaning.

"in the arms of the angels, fly away from here. from this dark cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear.."

-angel, sarah mclachlan-

it's easier to believe the words of songs or stories rather than finding it in real life. to have the right song play, at the right time, sounds like a great thing to have. and in fact, it is..it's like a temporary miracle that was sent to us..

anyways, i have exams later. i hope i can do it. i'm not the in the mood for it, but i have to. oh wells. take care all. god bless.

therefore...

"music is my passion. passion is my drive. drive is my motivation. therefore, i'll live"

how i wish it is that simple. if you notice that sentence properly, in terms of Critical Thinking Skills, this sentence is invalid; therefore, this is bad argument and is unrepairable. haha. lol.

life is nothing but piece of crap. the word 'life' is everyone's favourite word to use, to tell people something. whether or not it is to say something bad, which will go something like this;

"this is life, it is bad whether we like or not"

or to say something good;

"ah life! you're so beautiful that i can kiss you a million times!"

(lol. that sounded frenchie..)

it is just words put together to send a message through. nonsense, is what i call life as, plain nonsense. we live our everyday thinking life has more to offer us, but have you ever thought that life is just a state of mind? geez. as if life can give you everything in the world. we still need to work for it, we still whoop our asses off for cash, so answer me; what have life given you? geez.

to be honest, i think we live by our own. we work hard, we earn, we live! now that's life. it isn't always all happy and everything is going to be okay..it is more of a, if you can, you can! if you can't, sayonara, you're dead unless you are willing to get your ass up and work your way up to the top. it's a dog-eat-dog world, so we gotta step up and show people who we are, and that we stand on a firm ground.

of course, we need some backups so that we don't feel so crappy when we fall. friends, to me are the best. they're the best thing ever that God has ever created! (though it should be my parents, but....erm..well..yeah) friends are the only thing you need when your world is at the edge of the world. they somehow can manage to bring you back, and revive you. (eventhough they're litterally slapping us back to reality....) i love them oh so much.

"without friends, there won't be joy"

(yes, i am quoting myself. i am bored so i've decided to quote)

anyhow, living this 'life' is a torture. painful, but sweet. ah. bittersweet moments. >.< i think i've mention a few time in my previous posts. don't quite remember. anyways, take care all. i'm outta here.

what a waste of time.

there is something we all fear,
something that will make us shed tears.
is it true that this world is broken,
that everything was just left forsaken?

maybe it is your eyes that gave you away,
the look that says, "everything is okay".
but in actual fact, nothing is that easy,
just like those couples who are god damn cheesy.

in denial is what they are,
with the mentality of thinking far.
future is yet to come,
so why worry, have some fun!

geez, i'm so pissed at people,
maybe it's time to make more ripples.
water, water, water, and water,
yes, i'm getting bored and my mind was left to wander.

yea, yea, yea, this is a complete nonsense,
i tried occupy myself as this candle burns.
pretty, if you stare at it for a long time,
if only i can have a glass of wine.

gosh, this is pointless,
oh well, this is already meaningless.
time to leave as i am already crapping,
sayonara to all who's reading!

bare with my randomness...i wanted to write a poem, but haha..we all know what happened there! ;)

a beating heart

as the rain falls in this cold weather,
there is almost a glimpse of hope.
whether we were left to stand or to wonder,
i'm sure there isn't anything we cannot cope.

so...another day had gone by yet again. which means, another page of this incomplete chapter had written itself down. beautiful yet bitter, sweet yet sour. in other words, bittersweet. this book of life has no ending to it. no one knows exactly when it ends. the magic of striving for the next step brings us closer to the future, and more pages of the previous unfavoured memories were burnt without realization. we strive to be more than what we are, strive for power, for love, for attention, as well as for truth. these motivations takes us out of that little shell that we live in, and make us discover the true meaning of life.

"when i close my eyes i can see, the spotlight are bright on you and me.."

-so she dances, josh groban-

what we are now is a bunch of curious people, demanding and searching for the light. our beating heart can only take so much, can only breathe so much, so why we tend to do more than what we can? why the extra effort just to find out that we are doing is hurting us and the people around us? well, what can i say..we want the best for everyone around us. we can't get everything our way, but hoping that one day, all this would work out, kinda makes it a whole lot easier to breathe. humanitarians, is what we are, but why oh why we do the things we do..i guess we see the after effect of the pain and suffering. there is no need to put ourselves at top priority, just as long as the people around us is fine, we are fine. it's weird, but it happens.

"yes, we all love the craziness that is happening around us. as much as we say we hate it, we still live and breathe the drama around us. without realizing, we are slowly learning to adapt to it, and eventually learnt to favour it. look at it this way, at least our effort will one day be worth it"

sometimes, we do this for the better. i don't exactly know what we are thinking but, hey, what we're doing, it is good thing to do. ;) take care all.

Angels.

okay..so i have not been blogging recently. lol. was way too caught up with my own drama. haha. you know..things has been going all smooth and well, that i can't believe my eyes. my eyeballs are popping out! lol. alright. so what have happened? well..

there's nothing much basically. haha. been having exams here and there, and i tell you, it will kill us one day. ;P for the past several weeks, i have been sending my friend, rachel, back home from college. and haha, the car rides, it was fun! not to mention tiring. lol.

have you ever wonder why we are fated to meet the people in our life?

well, i have. i don't exactly know what God is planning. haha. no one knows for sure now ain't it now? lol. i know for a fact that, we are the ones walking and talking, and that we have choices that binds us to who we meet. we can choose to not talk to that one person, but somehow, there's something about that person that draws us to them. i call it vibe. i don't know about you though ;)

when a person feels that they have a need to approach a certain person, they will try to approch them at all cost. weird thing is, after they do, they becomes friends, and that is where another new chapter begins. that brings me back to my original question;
"why we are fated meet the people in our life?"

well, there is no definite answer for this, but i can tell you what i think! :)

what i think is that, our life is like an unwritten book. it is up to us whether we want to create a new chapter from the previous ones or..stick to it like glu and stay in that, what i call as, "the safe zone". we are here to make a difference. as a good friend of mine once said;

"go out of your safe zone, and you'll discover the grass is greener on the other side"

so yeah. i did, and look at where i am now. i am a more happier person (at least i would like to think i am ;] )

though, i am very glad i know the people in my life. :) i have friends who are like family, and they mean the world to me. i dont have to state out who are those people, but you know who you are. thanks to you all, my world is lite up with purrrrty lights and candles. :) love you all.

the tagged victim >.<

Lucky Curtain #1 - charlene anne lee
Lucky Curtain #2 - nicholas stewart yeoh
Lucky Curtain #3 - chou ee von
Lucky Curtain #4 - catherine koh
Lucky Curtain #5 - saw

1. How did you meet 1?

- in high school. will never forget those times =]

2. On a scale of 1 - 10, how would you rate your friendship with 1?

- beyond that. we're practically sisters. =]

3. How long have you known 4?

- for 4 years now. lol.

4. How do you know number 3?

- in high school as well =]

5. Where's 5?

- at home. probably sleeping. lol.

6. A fact about number 1?

- awesome person.

7. Who is 4 going out with?

- saw.

8. What does 1 do for a living?

- she's still a student. plannin' to teach kids though. =]

9. Would you live with number 3?

- why not? lol.

10. What do you like about number 2?

- the will power.

11. Do you miss number 5?

- i guess haha

12. Would you make out with number 4?
- erm...>.<>

13. What's your opinion on number 2?

- cool and steady person. a bit hot tempered, but it's fine.

14. What's your favourite memory with number 5?

- lol. erm..

15. What will you do if number 1 and 2 were going out?

- ehem, ehem (let me clear my throat for this..) ehem....
aaaaaaHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAaaaaaaa
never and impossible.

16. Ever had a long conversation with 5?

- i think i have..not too sure.

17. Have you ever slept at 2's house?

- nopes.

18. Do you hang out with 3 a lot?

- yes...A LOTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! haha.

19. Who have you known the longest?

- lucky curtain nombor dua! =] 12 years now.

20. What will happen if number 1 and 5 have a relationship?

- LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! now that is one heck of a question.

21. How often do you talk to 1?
- alll ttheee ffreaakkiiinnggggg tiimmeeee! and i like it! ;D

22. What about 2?

- haha. the magic of internet, people! ;D

23. Have you ever thought 3 more than a friend?

- aahahahahahahahaaaaaa!

24. Would you go on a date with number 5?

- haha. nah..he's really a good friend of mine.

25. Do you dream about number 2?

- yea. at times.

26. What did no.4 did to you that you can never forget?

- haha. definitely the time when she showed me where the mountain side of bukit antarabangsa is located. =] it was a great outing.

27. What have you done for/to 1 that the person never forgets?

- i guess only she who knows. ;]

28. What's 3's hobby?

- hahahahahahahaaaa! having sex? LOL! picking out chicks? hahaa! erm somewhere along that line.