Future Awaits

I've finally come to an understanding where letting go is better than holding it in and waiting for it to happen. Sometimes, it's best to let the person know how you really feel. lol. Though I know it's hard, but it is better that we do. It's healthy. lol.

I've got so many things in mind right now that I've lost count. Too many in fact. lol. Perhaps one day things will fall into place and I will be able to breathe once again without having to suffocate or gasp for air. I will one day rise beyond this sea of fire and rage, and be a human again.

one day..

The Whispering Angel Speaks

I am still scared of what your decision may be and I'm afraid if you ever leave. Though deep in me says, "please stay", but I know you got to set your wings on its flight one day. No matter how close is that future from me, you will forever be that person I see. I freeze when I hear about it, I tear when I think about it, but if time and life allows me, I will be where you are; but till then please sore high and be free. I'll probably be a wreck if you'll ever decide to go, but that won't bring me down low. I can only hope that I will be okay and I can only hope that I won't cry, but until then, I will wear a play mask on and lie. Perhaps this is fated, perhaps this is true, perhaps one day we will both see other on the skies so blue. Stars at night doesn't exist here (haha, too much light pollution) so I will just remember from the glimpse of my tear. Until then though, I will cherish these tiny moments with you and I will remember you for you deserve more than just being called a friend. Until then... ;']

Broken Vow

As scared as I am, as much as I don't want to, and as much as I fear for it, I just have to..I may suffer, but..I'll survive. I know it'll happen one day or another, I know. And this is one of things I just wish I don't know about. Just as this is my gift, it is also a curse. Sometimes I wish I didn't know. Truth hurts, reality bites, and painting this dull world is the hardest work ever..lol. I just wish I could do something about it..something..lol.

I am dreading the day each day ever since I've first heard about it. I know I won't be able to take it..Oh, how I know so well..But I got to. lol. This hurts. lol. It won't escape my mind, but lol, I guess I got to face it one way or another. I don't know how I'm gonna go through my everydays if it does happen though. lol. I'll find a way. I hope. lol. I'll be broken and I'll be having a tough depression session, but I'll live. I hope. lol. I can only imagine. lol.

I guess that's all I want to say..Hopefully in the future, I'll do just fine.

tata..

Just Another Insomnia

Have you ever thought of dropping dead? Just..drop, dead? Well, I have. Death..Who knows who and what awaits us when we're dead. I wish I could find out, but I guess I just cannot. We live but only one life and one lifetime, we might as well do the best we can to feel good, happy and be nice all the time. As easy as that may just sound, but it is harder than most of us think it is. It is sooo hard that it makes Elbert Einstein's theory easy. I mean come on...E=mc²? Clearly EQ beats the crap out of IQ.

Emotional Intelligence. This is my topic for my PDP (Peer Development Program) presentation. It is next Thursday and I am nervous. Emotional Intelligence also known as EI for short is often measured as an Emotional Intelligence Quotient (EQ). Emotional Intelligence is basically about how good one can manage their emotions. A full understanding of our emotion always remain a mystery, but managing it, knowing how to access it well, is another. There are only very few we can do about our emotion, but managing it and controlling it, we can. It would be hard, but it would be fine later on.

Developing our Emotional Intelligence has a lot ways and I am way too lazy to explain it here. What I am trying to emphasize is, our emotions works differently for different age group. As a adolescent, I would know that EQ at my stage is either far down the drain or the other way around. That is according to me at least lol. It also depends on how emphatatic one is. Oh wells..lol. Anyways, our emotions, is a whole, whole, WHOLE bunch of crap. Especially when hormons decides to set its foot in. It will turn everything very much disasterous interesting.

I think the reason why I am blogging so much today is because I needed to talk. God damn it..I have no one I can talk to without feeling annoyed or stupid when striking a depressing conversation. I could talk to a friend of mine, but I assume she would be either too tired to or too occupied with her own stuff. As much as I want to, I chose not to. Plus, I don't even know what's wrong with me to begin with. So that adds up to me not wanting to talk to her about my non-existing reason for depression. Perhaps, I just need to talk..about anything at all. I don't know la..I'm sick of figuring out what's wrong..It's pissing me off. Plus, I bet no one reads this anyway. I am non-existing to a lot of people. lol. Shadow. I'm a shadow.

I am all dark, and the only time you can see me is when there is a glimpse of light in the huge cloud of darkness. Just like those stupid ray of light, shadows are just as hard to find. I'm invisible to the eyes of lots and as well as visible to the eyes of nobodies. I am white and I am black. I am but of light that comes out from the cloud of darkness. Who am I to you? No one. To some of you I may mean the world, but to most of you, I am just but of another collection in your facebook and MSN list. Some of you who I think sees me, chose not see me over another side that they think is green. And no I'm not talking about you if you know who you are and if you are reading this. I am sick and tired of being invisible, of being a shadow. I'm sick of putting myself in this horrible state, trying to figure out what's wrong with me just so I can strike a proper consult session. I'm sick..as well as to tired..I want a friend. I want my friends.

There's just way too much I need to say, too much, but can I say it out? lol. I don't even know where to start. I think I'm emotionally scarred. lol. Just when people think being in love is the most painful hurt ever felt, wait till you feel a pain that's been in you for ages..WITHOUT REASON too. It's really fucked fun! I just don't understand..Yea, I'm pretty sure I'm emotionally scarred. lol. Being told once that my depression for no reason is just for mere attention hurts, having no one around that can listen hurts, being told that you're freaking fat without even noticing a major weight loss due to starvation hurts, being told that you're worthless and dumb hurts, being told that you are this, you are that, you must this, you must that annoys the crap out of me!! LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!

omg...I am definitely scarred.

A Twist In My Story

Blogging seems lifeless now. I somehow is experiencing heartbreak at the moment. It's weird. There is so much I want to voice out, so much I want to say, but....I don't know how to start and I don't know how to say it. Believe it or not, I am actually a very depressed person.

A story of my life..

People in college..They think I'm all happy, happy and that I'm bubbly and friendly. What they don't know is that whenever I get home or even sometimes on the way home, in my car, I'll get into my depressed state. I'll get really depressed till the point that I don't know what's causing it. I have no idea why. I admit, I am lonely, but I doubt this is solely on loneliness. I don't want to be in a relationship nor do I want to find anyone. It's all so weird. I just don't know what I'm feeling. It's all so torn.

Anyways back to topic. People in college see me as a different person all over. I don't know how and why I do it, but I just do. It sucks so bad. lol. I guess lately they have been seeing this side of me quite often. I am somehow showing more and more each day. Especially lately. My depression have been ongoing for the past 3 weeks now, and I have no idea what to do with it. I really want to cry, but my tear drops seems to be too freaking proud to. The only way I know how to get it down is by...drinking.

It's so bad, all so bad that I don't know how to stop it. My gosh...I want to talk, but I don't know what to talk about because I don't know what's wrong. And I certainly don't want to claim that I'm depressed if I have no reason..Especially since I got called attention seeker for it...aih..There goes my small, broken heart..lol. You wouldn't think someone would call you that for a depression of no reason..Perhaps, back then, it was attention, but it was all so blur, it was all so....depressing. I just have no idea how long I can deal with this.....

God..I want to cry..Is there any way, ANY WAY at all, that you can make me cry?...aih..I have no intention of posting this post, but I needed to say something real badly..I guess by blogging, it will somehow helps. I just hope this depression goes away as quick as possible. lol. Can't take it..And another thing about me is that I can't stand talking about myself..I don't like to talk about myself unless I know why..But I just don't!!!!!...aih.

And to think...you are not alone in this..But in actual fact, actual reality..you are alone..whether you or I like about it. I am forever alone if you think about it. I never did manage to talk about how I feel properly..Even if I did, it won't last a mili second. Since I hate talking about myself and I don't know what's wrong most of the time..lol. When I know what's wrong, I'll talk about it, yea..I sure will do...but like I said before..The conversation will never stay for long..though I want it to..lol. I don't know how..It just happened. Oh wells...Guess I really hate talking about myself. lol.

I have an excelent listening skills; excellent I tell you! But..how come..I can never manage to listen to myself?..I don't know...I really don't..

I wish I could find an answer to this..At least before my birthday, which is coming up in about two months time..Or less..Don't know. Did not count. aih..

My phone is so quiet lately that it scares and pisses me off..aih..It's too damn...quiet. No messages, no phone calls, no miss calls..nothing. Like wth?..I bet if I off my off for a day, it won't make a difference at all..I think I'll do that tomorrow. lol. The only miss call I'll get is from my mom. AHHAHAHAHA!! WHICH IS DAMN SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahahhaha! omg. this is hilarious. She is probably suffering from anxiety disorder.

aih..screw this..I'm out of here..

what happened?...

There is just one thing in life that I have yet accomplish and that is loving the world. Okay, perhaps I do. I love everyone for who they are, for their odd and strange behaviours, for their insides, but..I have a hard time showing people that I love them. I am not an easy person to give hugs and for some freaky reason, I realise that. I guess I just adore hugs that I don't like giving them for no reason. But omg...I miss being hugged. I just got one from PhuiMun (a.k.a birdy haha) yesterday..And it felt so..so...so...warm..gosh. lol. I haven't spoken to her in ages! And yesterday when I had to go to college early, I finally saw her and manage to catch up..abit...lol. That is until she had to go somewhere and never came back. lol. She claimed she was gonna though. lol. (i think she went paktoh..lol dont remember..lol)

Anyways..yea..I miss hugs..The ones that means something at least. Not just mere hug, but a hug that is genuine. lol. Oh well...I won't be getting any of that any time soon. lol. A close friend of mine used to able to give me that warm, genuine hug though..lol. I don't know where'd it go..lol. Oh wells..lol.

Guess I'm not out my depression just yet. lol. Like Rachel once said (haha quoting her :P)

"time does not heal, neither will our scars. even if we do take action to do something about it, it will still be deep in us"

lol. I love quoting that woman :P. And gosh..I have not seen her for a while now. haha. Having one class has ALOT of disadvantages. lol.

awh well..let's just hope I will heal myself in time lol..aite..i'm outta here.

Again Today - Brandi Carlile
Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones
It's words that hurt the most now isn't it
Are you sad inside, are you home alone
If I could just pick up the phone
Maybe you could see a better day
And you won't waste away
Under my watchful eye
Because I'm your hero and you're my weakness

Who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

I'm broken down, not good enough
The broken promises add up
To twice their weight in tears which I have caused

I'm afraid to sink, I'm afraid to swim
I'm sad to say I miss my friends
I know that I'm supposed to step away
But they need me to stay and keep a watchful eye
On all my heroes and all their demons

But who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again
Not today
Not today

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones again today
I'm broken down
Not good enough
The broken promises add up again today

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
Again today