Just Another Insomnia

Have you ever thought of dropping dead? Just..drop, dead? Well, I have. Death..Who knows who and what awaits us when we're dead. I wish I could find out, but I guess I just cannot. We live but only one life and one lifetime, we might as well do the best we can to feel good, happy and be nice all the time. As easy as that may just sound, but it is harder than most of us think it is. It is sooo hard that it makes Elbert Einstein's theory easy. I mean come on...E=mc²? Clearly EQ beats the crap out of IQ.

Emotional Intelligence. This is my topic for my PDP (Peer Development Program) presentation. It is next Thursday and I am nervous. Emotional Intelligence also known as EI for short is often measured as an Emotional Intelligence Quotient (EQ). Emotional Intelligence is basically about how good one can manage their emotions. A full understanding of our emotion always remain a mystery, but managing it, knowing how to access it well, is another. There are only very few we can do about our emotion, but managing it and controlling it, we can. It would be hard, but it would be fine later on.

Developing our Emotional Intelligence has a lot ways and I am way too lazy to explain it here. What I am trying to emphasize is, our emotions works differently for different age group. As a adolescent, I would know that EQ at my stage is either far down the drain or the other way around. That is according to me at least lol. It also depends on how emphatatic one is. Oh wells..lol. Anyways, our emotions, is a whole, whole, WHOLE bunch of crap. Especially when hormons decides to set its foot in. It will turn everything very much disasterous interesting.

I think the reason why I am blogging so much today is because I needed to talk. God damn it..I have no one I can talk to without feeling annoyed or stupid when striking a depressing conversation. I could talk to a friend of mine, but I assume she would be either too tired to or too occupied with her own stuff. As much as I want to, I chose not to. Plus, I don't even know what's wrong with me to begin with. So that adds up to me not wanting to talk to her about my non-existing reason for depression. Perhaps, I just need to talk..about anything at all. I don't know la..I'm sick of figuring out what's wrong..It's pissing me off. Plus, I bet no one reads this anyway. I am non-existing to a lot of people. lol. Shadow. I'm a shadow.

I am all dark, and the only time you can see me is when there is a glimpse of light in the huge cloud of darkness. Just like those stupid ray of light, shadows are just as hard to find. I'm invisible to the eyes of lots and as well as visible to the eyes of nobodies. I am white and I am black. I am but of light that comes out from the cloud of darkness. Who am I to you? No one. To some of you I may mean the world, but to most of you, I am just but of another collection in your facebook and MSN list. Some of you who I think sees me, chose not see me over another side that they think is green. And no I'm not talking about you if you know who you are and if you are reading this. I am sick and tired of being invisible, of being a shadow. I'm sick of putting myself in this horrible state, trying to figure out what's wrong with me just so I can strike a proper consult session. I'm sick..as well as to tired..I want a friend. I want my friends.

There's just way too much I need to say, too much, but can I say it out? lol. I don't even know where to start. I think I'm emotionally scarred. lol. Just when people think being in love is the most painful hurt ever felt, wait till you feel a pain that's been in you for ages..WITHOUT REASON too. It's really fucked fun! I just don't understand..Yea, I'm pretty sure I'm emotionally scarred. lol. Being told once that my depression for no reason is just for mere attention hurts, having no one around that can listen hurts, being told that you're freaking fat without even noticing a major weight loss due to starvation hurts, being told that you're worthless and dumb hurts, being told that you are this, you are that, you must this, you must that annoys the crap out of me!! LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!

omg...I am definitely scarred.