A Twist In My Story

Blogging seems lifeless now. I somehow is experiencing heartbreak at the moment. It's weird. There is so much I want to voice out, so much I want to say, but....I don't know how to start and I don't know how to say it. Believe it or not, I am actually a very depressed person.

A story of my life..

People in college..They think I'm all happy, happy and that I'm bubbly and friendly. What they don't know is that whenever I get home or even sometimes on the way home, in my car, I'll get into my depressed state. I'll get really depressed till the point that I don't know what's causing it. I have no idea why. I admit, I am lonely, but I doubt this is solely on loneliness. I don't want to be in a relationship nor do I want to find anyone. It's all so weird. I just don't know what I'm feeling. It's all so torn.

Anyways back to topic. People in college see me as a different person all over. I don't know how and why I do it, but I just do. It sucks so bad. lol. I guess lately they have been seeing this side of me quite often. I am somehow showing more and more each day. Especially lately. My depression have been ongoing for the past 3 weeks now, and I have no idea what to do with it. I really want to cry, but my tear drops seems to be too freaking proud to. The only way I know how to get it down is by...drinking.

It's so bad, all so bad that I don't know how to stop it. My gosh...I want to talk, but I don't know what to talk about because I don't know what's wrong. And I certainly don't want to claim that I'm depressed if I have no reason..Especially since I got called attention seeker for it...aih..There goes my small, broken heart..lol. You wouldn't think someone would call you that for a depression of no reason..Perhaps, back then, it was attention, but it was all so blur, it was all so....depressing. I just have no idea how long I can deal with this.....

God..I want to cry..Is there any way, ANY WAY at all, that you can make me cry?...aih..I have no intention of posting this post, but I needed to say something real badly..I guess by blogging, it will somehow helps. I just hope this depression goes away as quick as possible. lol. Can't take it..And another thing about me is that I can't stand talking about myself..I don't like to talk about myself unless I know why..But I just don't!!!!!...aih.

And to think...you are not alone in this..But in actual fact, actual reality..you are alone..whether you or I like about it. I am forever alone if you think about it. I never did manage to talk about how I feel properly..Even if I did, it won't last a mili second. Since I hate talking about myself and I don't know what's wrong most of the time..lol. When I know what's wrong, I'll talk about it, yea..I sure will do...but like I said before..The conversation will never stay for long..though I want it to..lol. I don't know how..It just happened. Oh wells...Guess I really hate talking about myself. lol.

I have an excelent listening skills; excellent I tell you! But..how come..I can never manage to listen to myself?..I don't know...I really don't..

I wish I could find an answer to this..At least before my birthday, which is coming up in about two months time..Or less..Don't know. Did not count. aih..

My phone is so quiet lately that it scares and pisses me off..aih..It's too damn...quiet. No messages, no phone calls, no miss calls..nothing. Like wth?..I bet if I off my off for a day, it won't make a difference at all..I think I'll do that tomorrow. lol. The only miss call I'll get is from my mom. AHHAHAHAHA!! WHICH IS DAMN SAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahahhaha! omg. this is hilarious. She is probably suffering from anxiety disorder.

aih..screw this..I'm out of here..