The Constant Struggle For Perfection

Perhaps it was us who made life possible to live. Those who strive to be a better person and those who do whatever they can to make life worth living. But sometimes, just sometimes, it is hard for us to feel that way - that contentment for life. Life is depressing, and yeah, I admit that with all my heart. Though, there are some moments where things were good and perfect, but that moment normally will not last.

Perfectly imperfect - something which I love to observe. Everyone is imperfect in their own way, and with that, it made them perfect in their own way as well. I love watching the small details of human life that makes people crack smiles and laugh at their silliness. Perfection is not something I would want to find, but rather their imperfection that makes every second worth while to be around. Searching perfection may seem hard to a lot, but it is sure easy for me. Imperfection on the other hand, is hard to find because people tend to cover it up with their 'perfection' and 'charm'. pfft.

Time to time we have the need to be perfect, but has it occur to you that you already are? Perhaps, in the eyes of another? Just be who you are and never fake what you really are because as time goes by, our colour WILL show.

-over and out-

p.s. will be away to hometown at Gemencheh, Negeri Sembilan for a day. i'm still very much lazy to upload the trip photos. lol =P . anyways, have fun everyone.

and to all the hardworking teens, young adults and adults, HAPPY LABOUR DAY! have a great holiday. do go for ice-cream with your dearest ones. =)

LaneHoz wants to eat =)

Lazy =P

Lol. Pictures from Melacca will soon be loaded. just wait.

Great Company vs Letting Go

Today, Colin and I decided to follow Charlene to her college to help her set up her 'little' party for her seniors who had just finished with their final exam (yeay for them!). The purpose for this party is for the juniors a.k.a Charlene's Feb bash, to get some scoops on their upcoming exam in August. Of course, it is also to enjoy and get to know some new people heh..Anyways, we got there just in time. She thought she was running, sorta late, but nah, got there right on time - on the dot. Charlene was the one driving today, and omg...the weather was so bloody hot, I don't even know how on earth we survived on this heat! Gosh..lol.

Charlene asked me a week ago to make a bouquet of roses(out of tissue papers) for the party. Which I did :) . A lot people seem to be really amazed about it, calling it my master piece and all haha. Nonsense people. Charlene's friends are awesome. Though they're old, they're really cool people to hang with :) . I had a blast just by looking at them setting the place up. It was so amazing the way they did it. haha. You wouldn't even believe if you weren't there. Charlene and her friends manage to turn a normal cafeteria, to a very high class buffet meal! It's just really amazing. haha. What's funnier is that everything they bought for the decoration are all from their very own homes. They even brought lights! haha. Amazing. They really put so much effort on it that it impresses me so, so much! haha. They manage to turn to whole place into a palace in just an hour's time. haha. Crazy.

Aside from the brilliant party planning, while Charlene was doing her stuff - helping her friends out with the decoratings, Colin, Charlene's boyfriend, talked to me to kill the time, and also try to get to know each other (I guess...). He, as usual, is nice. lol. But from what I've seen today, he is more than just that. lol. He is way in love with my bestfriend. lol. So in love that it kills to not see her. Gosh..lol. He told me stuff like he has not met a person like Charlene before, that she is so mature for her age. He even said she has an amazing character for the course she is doing! Hell cool eh? (I guess that's how we dig stuff out eh, Charlene? heh..) Moving on, Colin is a very nice guy. Very much gentlemen-like too. I like him. I am glad they have found each other. heh..

I'm happy for them, I really do. She deserves nothing but the best and this, this is the best. Though from time to time she need some reminding, but it's fine just as long as she has me to knock her senses back into place lol. Oh wells. lol. I'm gonna miss my friend though; but hey, Colin is a guy worth giving up for (wow..i don't believe i just said that..). I guess it still kills to know she's with someone and that I know she will not have as much time for me, but hey, I can't have her for the rest of my life now can I? lol. She has got a life to live and I should be the one pointing the way instead the person blocking it. By the way, I'm not saying all this out of depression. haha. I mean every word. lol. I know she isn't going anywhere and I know her arms are still open for me, but I know it won't be the same as time goes on. lol. I just do. At this pace especially. lol. There isn't much I can do but to embrace it ;')

Anyways, I think it's getting late. I should sleep now. Heading down south tomorrow to melacca! I can't wait. There will be pictures loaded soon. hehe..

Aite. I'm outta here. Goodnight folks.

p.s : all the best to Charlene and Colin for their relationship.

Boredom! haha

Yes, we are all bored. haha. It is semester break after all and semester breaks are normally BORING! haha. So what's the deal is that (haha) Kimberly and I, broke a record of the fastest time to get bored. haha. A whooping 5 seconds, mind you. haha. To answer your question, yes we are that bored, and yes we are crazy bunch of people with nothing to do. haha. heh..But seriously, there should be a record for it or something wei. haha. In fact, we were sooooo bored, we tried to play MSN games (which did not load and had pissed both of us off)! bleagh. haha. So yea, the the battle against boredom....continues haha :P

So Von asked me a really random question that day and it is if I were to be an animal, what would I want to be. I answered her, wolf. I have a thing for wolves. They're ... just so amazing haha. Wolves are aggressive when they want to. Only when they feel threatened. I also love their aggressiveness! oooo..



ooo..isn't it just amazing how they look when they want to eat cho face up? haha! :P It is just really amazing at how the wolves travels in packs. The 'leader' of the pack especially. I really admire the leader of the pack. He is the one protecting his pack and looking out for the whole clan. It's just amazing at how they know how to do that. I love wolves!! <3~



They even look great when they howl! heh...

Wolves : aggressive when needed, loners, protective

So, I asked Charlene the same question the very next day, and well she wants to be a



Horse!

haha. Very loyal and free-spirited creature. But yeah, it is very much like her to be a horse. haha. Loyal, free-sprited, cannot be disturbed if it doesn't want to be disturbed. haha. heh..Guess she doesn't want to be a pig after all. haha.


"oink, hey! Even pigs can paint okay, oink"

I also told Charlene that I chose to be a wolf because I love their protective nature and stuff and she disagree with me almost straight away. haha. Wondering why she disagreed, I asked her what she thinks I am. It took a while for her to think though. haha. And guess what she said??!

A panda haha.



A Panda?? Lazy creatures..haha. :P Which is kinda true as well. hahaha. :P Pandas love, and I means loves to sleep haha. And so do I. They are lazy, protective, kind and slow. haha. And they REALLY loves to sleep. They can sleep anywhere and everywhere at anytime (heh..ring any bells?..) haha :P

Yeap anywhere...



and EVERYWHERE! haha.



haha!



I guess even pandas get bored easily. hahaha. I guess I am very much like a panda huh? hahhaha. Oh wells. haha. It's good I guess. haha.

Anyways, I'm outta here. Goodnights all.

It Has Ended!

IT'S HOLIDAY BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Yeah, the end of my third semester has started yesterday after my Psych paper. Psych was reasonably good as usual, hopefully it is enough to pass =] . Anyways, for the next two to three weeks, I'm gonna do some catching up as well as some travelling! My friends and I had so much planned already for the holidays. Besides that, Charlene is planning to train me during this next 2 weeks. haha. >.<''. Whereas for myself, I am planning to swim everyday at my cousin's apartment. Gonna do some self-training. It's been ages since I've swan omgosh. Properly anyways. Sure pancit d. >.<. Swimming relaxes me and it's the best form of sport I've ever found (i don't have to sweat). haha. Swimming actually, burns 2times more than running or any other form of sport does. This is actually proven haha. What they said was that because swimming requires both our arms and legs as well as our body movement, so we tend to burn 2times more than any other sport does. I used to swim a lot back in high school. Explains why I was so blardy tiny back then. haha. I only gained weight reaching end of high school, when SPM was closing by. Besides that, it was also 'coz of all the dramas that was floating around that caused my eating disorder =P.

Motivation is the most important thing to stay healthy. I know why I am like this now was 'coz I got a lot discourage about my sudden weight loss back in high school - my mom wanting more. Geez..I know I am also to blame for eating a lot, but it doesn't hurt to say something nice about it rather than to shoot it down and say that it's not enough >.< .... lol. I don't give a damn about my mom wanting me to loose weight anymore. She is never satisfied about my weight loss, so why bother for her. haha. I am doing it for me now, and it feels 10times better than having her notice it. haha. My friends notice more than she does. haha. Like I said, she is never satisfied with my weight loss. bleagh. So people, please motivate your friends or/and family please. Don't shoot them down, or they will choose to rebel. Especially adoloscences.

haha. I notice I've been talking a lot about myself lately. I really don't know why though. Perhaps the selfishness is coming out? haha. I've never really think for myself until my friends constantly plant that thought into my mind. haha. I guess I have changed a lot from high school. lol. It's weird when you think about it, really. haha.

Oh wells..I'm outta here. Hopefully this will be one hell of a holiday!

toodles!

Lanehoz wants to walk away

Hakuna Matata =]

After a long, depressing and emotionally tiring 3 months of my third semester, it is finally come to an end. I felt a huge relief in my heart after my Psychology exam yesterday. I couldn't be happier for the end of it all. But wait, it doesn't just end there. After my one hour trip to KLCC with Charlene (haha), I got home just to find my Psychology scores for my 60% from the term are out! I also checked my IMs that were left for me haha. One of my IMs were my group members being all thrilled about our PDP presentation marks. Being all excited while reading their IMs, I quickly scrolled to see how much it was and guess what?? A whooping 14.75% out 20% baby! One of the second highest groups in the whole entire list! I was jumping when I saw that. haha. I really did not expect it. Great job team! I'm proud of all of you. =]

This day couldn't be any better.

I found out that my Psychology is only 9.85% away from passing the paper! I was so happy. My gosh. haha

Guess me thinking that I lead the team slobbishly isn't true. haha. Great to know that we've done a great job. This is great! haha.

ooh..I've been addicted to Rafiki's (the baboon from Lion King) quote;
"santi sana, squashed bananas, ooooo oooo, ooo ooooo"

haha. hakuna matata people. May your exams goes well. =]

All the best!

toodles.

Lanehoz is soring and is soring high!

Tears of An Angel

currently listening to: Lovers's Tears by Olivia

I love the song I'm listening to. It's so...heartbreaking yet uplifting. haha. She's a great Asian singer. Olivia's from Japan who is making covers of mixes of English, Japanese as well as to Chinese songs. Her covers are very awesomely done. Very well done. Love it so much.

Anyways, finals is a few days away and haha I have yet to really study. lol. Oh wells..lol. Don't feel like it..lol.

Oh wells...life. haha.

LaneHoz wants to cry..
but she couldn't.

Where Has it Gone?

I can't bare to know, nor can I bare to see you go.
damn it
and
damn it all..

Thoughts swims in my head as I let myself sink into the sea of depression. Perhaps me running is a good idea for now for it is just way too much to bare with the pain I am experiencing. I'm so sick of crying, I'm so sick of dying. I'm so sick of trying and I'm so sick of lying..Wearing but of nothing, a mask on my face, just so I can get through the day without having to spread the gloom I have lingering on me. I can't bare the fact and the truth that one day will happen, that I sometimes just know, I hate it.

Even though there isn't a certain answer to it, but I know it will one day happen. Hopefully by then I am ready. To think about it, pains me so much..lol. So..yeah..bare with me..

LaneHoz wants to runaway..

That Christmas I've Longed

currently listening to : we are the reason - david meece

I miss that Christmas where I first felt so alive.
I miss that Christmas where I felt a genuine joy.
I miss that Christmas where I felt loved.
I miss that Christmas where I felt it all.
I miss that Christmas . . .

That Christmas where I was first brought to known what the true meaning of Christmas is. Never have I felt so alive nor have I felt so at home, oh that Christmas. Being with the bunch people which never did cared about personality but more of what's inside, the bunch whom I can laugh and cry to whenever and wherever they are, the bunch I love oh, so much.

That Christmas that opened my eyes to what people are and to what friends are. Naive as I can be back when then, these people never did make a fuss about it neither do they try to contradict on my beliefs. Oh yes, that Christmas, my oh my how I miss it so dearly. Giving and sharing were what they all did and sharing would be with family as well as to friends. Oh, that Christmas.

Never have I got that Christmas back the years after. Year and years passed by, and never did I come close to that feeling I felt back at that Christmas. It saddens me. Christmas now, is very blue and lonely, very much like a gloomy, dark room. My perception on Christmas changed after a while and never did I got back that Christmas I have longed for.

Oh yes, that Christmas. How I miss it so much.

Perhaps now, Christmas is going to be just another celebration we do. Just like every other festive season we have. Perhaps one day, I will get back that Christmas I once felt back. It feels really close to me, but yet still so far. It will be here one day, but for now, I will just hold the memories and feelings of that Christmas close at heart, hoping it will come back to me one day.

That Christmas..

LaneHoz misses that Christmas so much
She knows she is able to feel it again
just, it has not come yet
but it will

Not Superman, Human

I am not a superman neither am I a hero. I feel, I think, I have needs. Though at times, I really wish I don't feel at all. Emotions is but another boundaries that stops us to do what we are capable of doing. Sometimes, it is way too much to handle. We are all broken and we should all admit it. It is better to admit than to deny. We have but of so much we can do and can give, so why not take a break one day to forget it all? Why not?

Yea, I hell wished I can be superman. That I can save the world and cool stuff like that. haha. But I know I can't (ooo unless it's the whole adrenaline thing! that's freaky). Sometimes, hurt is way too much to bare that we faint, we lose control. Everyone knows that pretty damn well, as well as myself. We need help, in fact, we ALL need help. haha. But you and I and everyone knows that sometimes, it is better to handle some stuff alone before we go to another. I guess we either have issues or we just think well, we are capable. I for one, knows I am capable.

I won't cry unless it's too much to handle. I won't tell unless it's too much to bare. I won't call unless I know it's safe. I know I won't. I am way too proud to admit I am weak (now that's a weird thing to be proud of). (Not to blow my own horn but...) I know I am a very much humble and down-to-earth person, but when comes to myself, I will not expose until I feel it is right. Sometimes we just need time I guess. But time says nothing, time saves nothing. I have a huge ego when it comes to my vulnerability. haha. I am an easy person to get to know but a very hard person to open up. I have a shell. haha. A huge, tough one. haha.

Sometimes, we just got to do some things alone. We do. It's like a thing we humans have. We think we are able to handle it, we think we are able to do so many things but we just cannot. Ahh wells..Guess I will stick to being a human for now :)

Alrites. I'm done.

-over and out-

Lanehoz wants to sore high up

The Mind Speaks

THIS CONTAINS CONTROVERSIAL ISSUES

-- if you want to comment about it, be my guest, just don't go completely against my believe --
-- i respect your point of view so try to respect mine :) --

please and thank you!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Life and death. A question we constantly ponder about. There is no real answer to whether there is a heaven and a hell, but one thing's for sure, I believe in reincarnation (haha. score 1 for being a Buddhist. haha).

Reincarnation; not something a lot believe in. People who's in Buddhism, believe highly in reincarnation. This is because your time line of being "punished" isn't done yet. Reason to why most people (or spirits/souls) find reincarnation suffering, because it is normally put in situation where we are being reincarnated in a chain sort of thing. We, Chinese (lol), do not get reincarnated but of only once in our lives, it comes in a chain of years. Some can go up to 400 years of being reincarnated (scary thought huh?) I for one, have a feeling that my time isn't done yet (call it gut feeling if you want haha). But I also highly believe if I could do some thing to help myself redeem my years of incarnating, I will be completely swept off from hell and sent straight to heaven (o.o).

I believe that I am here for a reason and not to just live in this pitiful world where poverty still strikes and where people still have children as slaves and prostitude. I believe I am here to help that certain someone (which I think I have found) to change this world to become a better place to be. I believe I am here to help. I am not here to just sit and wait for my death and let myself being sentenced to another life of reincarnating, no. Even so, I know I am here this lifetime to help out someone of transceding personality to get his/her job done. I know I am here for some reason and not just to live, but to go MAD (heh..Make A Difference).

Perhaps I am still young to do such things, but I know for sure, one day, we will make this world a better place. Make a place where poverty is over and done, where children can come out to live happily without fearing those who they are working for, and where children can come out and play without fearing a bomb having to fall on their very heads and homes (my gosh). Children should have the rights to speak up, that is where we come in. We are all soon-to-be young adults and we are the ones who can make a change to this inhumane world where adult abuses their power for money. Geez..Nonsensical motha f-ers.

War. Another stupid thing that I don't believe still happening in this time and world frame. We are in the 21st century people, my gosh, wake up already. You politicians want to fight about something, bring it to the big house and not to those innocent beings who just want to live. Give them a chance to live, even in poverty, even in the most poorest way of living, they still just WANT to live. Poor things. War won't settle anything (and to think politician can think). Fight fire with fire, and you will get more fire from the ones you've just just set, even by using a single match stick. (sigh) poor innocent people. They are suffering for God damn no reason just because one country hates another. Gosh.

Anyways, this is just my point-of-view. It was not meant to point fingers. haha. I am still very much young. Honestly I'm only 18 turning 19 in a month's time. haha. It's just that sometimes, these nonsense just bugs me because it is all unnecessary. haha. Nonsense. Alrites then, I'm out of here. Have fun everyone ;)

LaneHoz wants to change the world
*chuckles*

Cannonball

listening to : what can I say - brandi carlile

"What can I say, the thought cannot escape from me. I will sing you a song if you could just promise you will stay"

blek..lol. Finals are coming real soon and I, for one, are not ready for it just yet. haha. Psychology lesson finally ended today and man, oh man am I gonna miss it. It's awesome. haha. Well, for some of you may know, I am going to linger along HMC for another 2 semesters because of subjects I have yet completed. This semester is supposedly my last semester, but, ahh wells. haha. Looking forward :). Anyways, haha, I have so much more further to go and hopefully, HOPEFULLY I can go through it within this year. haha. That just mean I have to crack my head to the frying pan once more. haha.

Well, as you of you may know, I've been real down lately 'coz of so many reasons I cannot and will not state here. haha. Sometimes things and life just gets the best of you and you just want to be free from all of these, but of course, haha, we can't. We never can. We can only escape but a few minute, maybe hours, but it will come back around to haunt us all over again. I know it and I know it way too well. haha. So reminders of that, are not necessary.

My thousand and million apologies to Rachel Yao for trying to reach out to me but couldn't lol. I know I have issues, I know I have problems, but sometimes, I just needa forget that I do..lol. I am not running, it is just my way of denying at times. haha. As you and I both know, our ego defense machanism is very much required at times like these. haha. I shall not even go in depth about this. haha. Maybe in the near future, I will open up, but I won't for the time being because I have issues of my own about opening up. lol. Even a real close friend of mine took her 8months of knowing me before I completely tell her my problems..so yea..it takes me time to get settled. Give me some time.

Things hsan't been going smooth sailing for me these few months. I guess it will get better soon. haha. I'm counting on it too :). lol. And..haha. I'm oh so excited bout my upcoming birthday in May. I don't expect anything too big or even too grand, but of just simple gestures will be more than enough :) . lol. That's kinda what I say every year haha. Oh well..Guess I just don't expect much. haha.

pssssssstt! i still want a call bell and a chalk board + coloured chalks! heh..

haha. shh. No one knows that :P

I wonder what my parents are going to give me for my birthday..Possible one tiny, teennyyy, piuuunie cake. haha. And some cash O.O CHA-CHINGGGGG $$ :D.

haha. It's still quite far away. Like bout a month from now? Today's the 6th..hm..make it 29 days and counting! haha. College should start already by then. haha. I'm not too sure but I think it is. haha. I hope not tho. haha. LAZY LA! haha. Anyways..I'm done here. Over and out.

-LaneHoz : I wanna sore like how eagles sore and live like how wolves lives-